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Monday, July 15, 2013

It is one of those days when nothing really seems to suffice. There seems to be a deficit in everything about me and in everything that surrounds me. There is a कमी.

There, indeed, was a time when I didn't heed much for either mediocrity or exceptionalism - a time when my happiness didn't depend on how good I compared with the rest or how bad; a time when I didn't despise the ordinary; a time when the knowing that my being falls somewhere in between the extremes didn't bother me. Why, now, do I question where on the line I fall? Why, now, do I put people into good-bad-ugly jars and take much care to space the jars well apart? Why, now, do I question if I am one among the best or a little less?

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They drain me of my energy - the questions in my head. They dwell upon my skin like leeches and feed on the blood veining my body. Lethargic, I am left and as I sink back feeling looted of spirits, ugliness raise its head dismissing all traces of solace that I could offer myself. Cynicism surfaces from the filth within and bereaves me of any possible hope.

The deficiency that pervades my being wins an ugly win. Repugnantly, I shudder - many times in vain attempts to rise like the legendary phoenix.

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A few words seem so wholesome that I sometimes wish I were as wholesome..as wholesome as words like कमी or lechery or ನಕ್ಷತ್ರ or poignancy ~  they fit their places so befittingly that no other word could substitute; they mean just what they are to mean, nothing more, nothing less.

Only if so was my being ..

1 comment:

Niki Nachappa said...

Is it the "insufficiency" that bothers you or the knowledge of the insufficiency? ( I use insufficiency for the word "kami" that you used, realizing how hard it is to translate that word to English.